Bible Pickin’s – Exodus pt 2

The children of Israel met with Moses and Aaron to complain that they could not make bricks anymore. Moses asked the LORD why this was so. {6:2} And God spoke unto Moses and said unto him, I [am] the LORD. The LORD went on to say that he spoke to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, but they didn’t know his real name: JEHOVAH.  Moses scratched his head, perplexed.

The LORD told Moses to speak to Pharaoh. Moses whined and said Pharaoh wouldn’t listen to him because he had “uncircumcised lips.” 

Then the LORD told Moses to speak to Pharaoh. Moses said Pharaoh wouldn’t listen to him because he had “uncircumcised lips.”

 It was at this point that I suddenly realized that the LORD suffered from Alzheimer’s disease.

Then the plagues begin: frogs, hail, thunder and locusts. No matter what plague was visited on Egypt Pharaoh would not release the children of Israel.

Here’s the weird part of this story: At the same time that the LORD is sending plagues to change Pharaoh’s mind about releasing the children of Israel, the LORD is  hardening the heart of Pharaoh.  This is absurd.

The LORD’s mood darkens, again: He told the elders of Israel to slaughter a lamb and smear its blood on the doors to their homes. They are to stay in their homes until the following morning. WHY? Because the LORD was going to pass through to smite the Egyptians because they didn’t do what he wanted or they did what he wanted. I don’t know, I’m confused. The LORD would not pass through any door with blood smeared on it.

Then the god of love did this: {12:29} And it came to pass, that at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that [was] in the dungeon, and all the firstborn of cattle. {12:30} And Pharaoh rose up in the night he, and all his servants, and all the Egyptians: and there was a great cry in Egypt: for [there was] not a house where [there was] no dead.

The poor cattle. What did they do?

The children of Israel pack up, “borrow” jewels and raiment from the Egyptians and skeedaddled out of Egypt. It took four hundred and thirty years for six hundred thousand children of Israel to make their escape.

The Egyptians hop on their chariots and began to pursue the casually fleeing Hebrews.

Moses and his people stood before the Red Sea. The LORD tells Moses to lift up his staff, stretch out his hand, and the sea will part…tomorrow. The LORD caused the sea to go [back] by a strong east wind all night long. In the morning the waters had parted. Moses and his people began to cross the dry land of the Red Sea.

The Egyptians began to cross the Red Sea too. The LORD made the chariots wheels fall off. Moses lifted up his rod and the waters returned, drowning the Egyptians.

It began to rain bread….

In a nutshell: the LORD dictates the Ten Commandments, demands altars for sacrifices in his honor. Moses builds a lot of stuff, and everyone over twenty years old must pay a ransom for their soul: a half shekel given to the LORD. What’s he need money for?

Moses returned from Mt. Sinai with two stone tablets. He kicked Hebraic ass when he found his people dancing naked before a golden calf. Moses destroyed the calf.

The rest of Exodus is pure monotony.  Passages repeated ad nauseam.

I like the passage where the LORD sneaks around Egypt like a thief in the night killing people. Could be the beginning of a good Horror movie.

The only other good thing about Exodus is the fact that I will never read it again…


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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