Bible Pickens – Judges

The bloodshed and carnage continues…

The LORD chose Judah to replace Joshua. Judah asked his brother Simeon to help him kill the Canaanites. Judah and his band of merry men captured Adoni-bezek, the king of the Canaanites, and cut off his thumbs and big toes. They killed ten thousand men. They  then attacked the city of Hormah and destroyed it.

Why would a loving god support such deadly adventures?

By the end of page 1 Judah is dead.

The next generation of Israelites did not know the LORD. They did not remember all that the LORD did for them. They were in deep denial. For decades the children of Israel angered the LORD by serving Baalim, Baal (fertility gods) and Ashtareth (Crown Prince of Hell).

Whoa, let me get this straight…the children of Israel are held captive in Egypt for centuries. The LORD finally gets around to helping them escape their captors in Egypt. To show their gratitude, the children of Israel embark on a campaign of rape, murder, theft and the destruction of whole cities. The LORD was pleased. The Israelies shifted gears after the death of Judah and worshipped other gods. It seems to me that Ashtareth would would also be pleased with the Israelies behavior thus far. It looks to me like the LORD and Ashtareth are kindred spirits. So why was the LORD pissed off with the children of Israel? Because they decided to worship an equally bad deity? I think I know, vanity thy name is LORD.

  (from Wikipedia –Although the Book of Genesis and Book of Exodus describe a period of Hebrew servitude in ancient Egypt, more than a century of archaeological research has discovered nothing which could support its narrative elements— the four centuries sojourn in Egypt, the escape of well over a million Israelites from the Delta, or the three months journey through the wilderness to Sinai.

The Egyptian records themselves have no mention of anything recorded in Exodus, the wilderness of the southern Sinai peninsula shows no traces of a mass-migration such as Exodus describes, and virtually all the place-names mentioned, including Goshen (the area within Egypt where the Israelites supposedly lived), the store-cities of Pithom and Rameses, the site of the crossing of the Red Sea (or, more commonly among modern Biblical scholars, the Sea of Reeds), and even Mt Sinai itself, have resisted identification. Scholars who hold the Exodus to represent historical truth concede that the most the evidence can suggest is plausibility). 

Highlights from the Book of Judges:

  • Ehud, a left-handed Benjamite, confronted Eglon, the king of Moab, and said, “I have a message from God unto thee.” Ehud sank a dagger into Eglon’s belly past the haft. The fat closed around the dagger. Ehud couldn’t pull the dagger out.
  • Heber the Kenite, met Kedish Sisera, the captain of King Jabin’s army, and suggested that he lie down in his tent. Jael, Heber’s wife, gave the captain a glass of milk. As he slept Jael hammered a nail into Sisera’s temple, fastening the head to the ground.
  • Gideon, the trumpet player, saw the face of an angel. The LORD gave Gideon charge over the children of Israel. He and three hundred fellow horn players blew their trumpets around an enemy camp. The soldiers flee the camp only to be chapped down with swords.
  • Gideon died. As a way of showing their respect for their fallen leader the children of Israel went whoring after Baalim and made Baalim their god. Years later, the children of Israel confessed to the LORD that they had sinned against him. They had forsaken God and served Baalim. God put away the strange gods. “And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hands of the Philistines”.                     Kids never learn.
  • The LORD’s new and improved representative on Earth was a long-haired man named Samson. Samson got the hotts for the daughter of an uncircumsized Philistine. On his way to see the young woman Samson killed a lion in a vineyard. He found a swarm of bees and honey inside the lion. When Samson arrived at the young woman’s house the Philistine told Samson that he gave the girl away to another man. Furious, Samson collects three hundred foxes and tied their tails together. He set the tails on fire and released the foxes. 150 pairs of foxes ran every which way, in a hurry. Cornfields, olive groves, and vineyards were burnt to the ground.    Nice.
  • In Lehi, Samson killed a thousand men with the jawbone of an ass.
  • In Gaza, Samson had sex with a whore.
  • Samson saw Delilah. The lords of the Philistines, concerned about Samson’s arrival to their burg hired Delilah to find out how Samson could be safely overpowered and arrested. Samson admitted to Delilah that he never had a haircut. He said if he were to get his haircut he would lose his strength. The next day the lords of the Philistines showed up and gave Delilah a pouch of gold. They cut Samson’s hair. They put out both of his eyes and brought him to a prison in Gaza.

Meanwhile, Samson’s hair was growing.

  • The lords of the Philistines were partying and demanded to see Samson. When the blind muscle man stood before the lords he casually asked if he could touch the pillars upon which the lord’s house rested. As he stood beneath the house between the pillars he asked the LORD for the strength needed to avenge his blindness. Samson pushed the pillars apart, the house came down, and Samson was crushed.

The rest of this book is anti-climatic.


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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