Bible Pickins – 1 Samuel

Elkanah was a polygamist, he had two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children. Hannah did not have children because the LORD had shut up her womb.

What an A-hole!

Hannah prayed to the LORD and asked for a man-child. She told the LORD that if she did have a man-child she would give him to the LORD all the days of his life and would never cut his hair.

Why is it that they won’t cut the hair but will gladly cut the foreskin?

Elkanah had sex with Hannah and the LORD “remembered her.” Hannah named her son Samuel. The boy grew to be a man and all of Israel knew that he was a prophet of the LORD.

Israel attacked the Philistines. The Philistines killed 4,000 Israeli soldiers. The elders of Israel fetched the ark of the Covenant of the LORD. When the ark arrived at the camp all Israel shouted with glee. The Philistines wondered what all the hubub was about. When they learned that the Hebrews had the ark of the LORD they were afraid.

“Woe unto us! Who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? There [are] the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues of the wilderness. Be strong, and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you; quit yourselves like men, and fight.”

The Philistines attacked Israel. They slaughtered 30,000 footmen and took the ark of the Covenant and brought it to the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. Poor bastard. In the morning they found “Dagon [was] fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands [were] cut off upon the threshold; only [the stump of] Dagon was left to him.”

The ark of God was sent to Ekron. The Ekronites begged the Philistines to send the ark back to Israel. They didn’t want to die.

So the ark wound up at Beth-shemesh. They were glad to see it. They looked into the ark of the LORD. Instead of reprimanding the curious people the LORD killed “fifty thousand, threescore and ten men.”

Messengers were hastily sent to Kirjath-Jearim. The messengers gave those the good news that they could have the ark. The men of Kirjath-Jearim brought the ark to the house of Abinadab.

Meanwhile, Samuel told the children of Israel to put away the strange gods and serve the LORD. As Samuel got the fire-pit ready for a burnt offering to the LORD the Philistines approached them. The LORD thundered a great thunder and smote the Philistines.

Old Man Samuel decides to make Saul a king. Saul reigned for two years then the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul and an  evil spirit from the very same LORD troubled him.


A youngster by the name of David played the harp for Saul. The evil spirit departed from Saul. They prepared to fight the Philistines.

The Philistines had a giant named Goliath. he wore a brass helmet, a chain-mail coat, and greaves of brass on his legs. He carried a large spear. Goliath wants to fight one of the Israelies. So they send the harpist.

David pulled a sling and a stone from his bag. The stone sunk into Goliath’s forehead and the giant fell to the ground, dead.

Saul knew that the LORD was with David. He also knew that his daughter, Michal, was in love with David. To show his gratitude Saul asks his son Jonathan to kill David. Jonathan tells David that Saul wants him dead. Saul is even considering killing David with a javelin.

David runs to the hills. Time passes. Saul apologizes for his behavior to David. The Philistines kill Saul. They cut off his head and strip the armor off him.

Good riddance!


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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