Bible Pickins – 2 Samuel

Yet another book filled with mind-numbing passages. Why, oh why, did I decide to read the Bible? I am determined to finish but I will never forgive myself.

After Saul’s death, David saw a man running. He asked the stranger where he came from. The winded man said he had just escaped from the camp where Saul was murdered. It was then that David saw the man held some of Saul’s possessions. David had the man killed.
The LORD told David that he and his two wives should go to Hebron. On the way to Hebron he sent a messenger to Ish-boseth, Saul’s son. The letter said that David would soon be passing by and would he please hand Michal to him. After all, David did pay the Philistines one hundred foreskins for her.
Just for the hell of it I guess, Ish-boheth was killed and beheaded. The head was brought to David. So all the elders of Israel came to Hebron and anointed David king of Israel.
King David took more concubines (he sure likes the pussy) and wives out of Jerusalem. It’s good to be the king!
King David gathered 30,000 chosen men of Israel and they went to Judah to fetch the ark of God. They put the ark on a shiny new cart. King David and his crew played all kinds of instruments before the LORD. As they entered the city of David, Michal saw King David dancing before the LORD. She hated King David, probably because King David wouldn’t pay any child support for the child she bore for him..
The LORD told Nathan to tell King David that he is to build a new house for him to live in. What? The ark isn’t enough?
“ And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels and I shall establish his kingdom.”
Makes sense to me. It is all shit.
King David wanted Uriah the Hittite’s wife, Bath-sheba. He had Uriah the Hittite deliver a message to Joab, He was commanded to put Uriah the Hittite in harm’s way during a battle. Uriah the Hittite was killed in battle.
You can’t fool Mother Nature and you can’t fool the LORD. The LORD had Nathan (why is it that the LORD can talk to Nathan but he can’t say a word to King David?) tell King David he knew he had Uriah the Hittite killed and took his wife, Bath-sheba as his own. The LORD said he would take all his wives and pass them out to the neighbors. The LORD also killed the child that Michal bore for King David.
There was onlt one thing that King David could do: he had sex with Bath-sheba and she bore him a son. They named him, Solomon.

And now, the heartwarming story about Amnon and Tamara…
Amnon, King David’s son, had a sister named Tamar. He had the hotts for her because she was a cutie and a virgin. He pretended to be sick. Tamar entered Amnon’s room to feed him. When she got near her brother he grabbed her and puled her onto the bed. “Come be with me, my sister.” Tamar begged Amnon to not force her. She said this sort of thing should not happen in Israel. Amnon raped his sister.

What happens in Israel stays in Israel…


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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