Bible Pickins – 1 KINGS

Solomon brought Pharaoh’s daughter to the City of David. He a house for the LORD and another for himself. Then he built the wall of Jerusalem. Gee, now I know where the ‘modern’ Israeli’s got the idea from.

The LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream and asked him what he could do for the man. Solomon asked for an understanding heart  to aid him in judging people. Presto. The Lord gave Solomon an understanding heart. The LORD also gave Solomon riches. Solomon woke up and went to Jerusalem. He went to the ark of the Covenant and made burnt offerings, peace offerings, and fed his servants with the cooked meat.

Two whores paid a call on King Solomon. They said they both lived in the same house. One whore, let’s call her Lindsay, said she gave birth to a child. Three days later, the second whore, let’s call her Amanda, gave birth to a child, but it died. Lindsay accused Amanda of swapping babies. Amanda accused Lindsay of swapping babies.

King Solomon asked for his sword. He decided to cut the child in two. Each whore would get half a child. Lindsay said it would better if Amanda kept the child. Amanda said, “Let it be neither mine nor thine [but] divide it.”

King Solomon gave the child to Lindsay.

King Solomon loved many strange women. He had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. And a penis that was unbelievably chafed. When Solomon was old, and worn out, he worshipped Ashtoreth (the goddess of fertility, sexuality, and war) and Milcom the Abomination (who was offered child sacrifices). Naturally, Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD.

The LORD is angry. Solomon loses his kingdom.

Much later….

A man of God from Judah approaches Jeroboam as he stands before an altar. The holy man tells Jeroboam that a child will be born in the house of David. The child will be named Josiah. Jeroboam is not happy. he begins to cry and places a hand on the altar. The hand shrivels up.

]{14:7} Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD
God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the
people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, {14:8}
And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and
gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant
David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me
with all his heart, to do [that] only [which was] right in
mine eyes; {14:9} But hast done evil above all that were
before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods,
and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast
me behind thy back: {14:10} Therefore, behold, I will bring
evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from
Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, [and] him that is
shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of
the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be
all gone. {14:11} Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city
shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the
fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. {14:12}
Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: [and]
when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die.

Boy, can you feel the love?

Naboth owned a vineyard. The vineyard was right next to Ahab’s palace. Ahab was the king of Samaria. The king asked Naboth to give him his vineyard so that he could make it an herb garden.He would pay for the property or give him another vineyard elsewhere. Naboth said “No.”

Ahab’s wife, Jezebel, asked him why he was so glum. Ahab told her about his offer to Naboth. Jezebel says she will give Naboth’s vineyard to him.

Jezebel wrote letters in Ahab’s name and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived near Naboth. She asked them to send two sons of Belial who would bear false witness against Naboth, accusing the man of blaspheming against God and the king. They did so in front of the people.

Naboth was carried out of the city and the people stoned him to death.

The LORD tells Elijah to go to tell Ahab that he will lose everything. Jezebel will be eaten by dogs near the wall of Jezreel. When Ahab heard what was about to befall him he did the only thing a rational man could do. He undressed, put on a sackcloth, and fasted. It worked, The LORD was touched by Ahab’s humility. He decided not to destroy Ahab. Then the LORD said, “[but] in his son’s days will I bring the evil upon his house.”

How touching,

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About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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