Bible Pickens – The Gospel According to Saint Matthew

I give up. I can no longer read the OLD TESTAMENT. These stories are vicious, stupid and morally repugnant. Anyone who says he can get good morals from this swill has either not read the books or is a liar.
I am moving forward to the NEW TESTAMENT. I hope these books will be an enjoyable read.

{1:1} The book of generations of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.  There are two genealogical lists in the New Testament. Matthew tells us that the line begins with (1)Abraham and ends with (41)Jesus. (40) is Joseph & Mary. In the Book of Luke the genealogical list begins with (1)God and ends with (77) Jesus. (76) is Mary & Joseph.
(In the OLD TESTAMENT descent is traced through the male line)

Is Joseph the father of Jesus? The Bible says NO!!

{1:18} Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together (before they had sex), she was found with child. Joseph had to make a decision: expose Mary to public humiliation or hide her.
An angel of the LORD appeared to Joseph in a dream and told Joseph to take Mary as his wife. The angel said: “That which is conceived her is of the Holy Ghost.” She will name her son Jesus and he will save the world from sin. Joseph woke up. He married Mary, but he didn’t know her (have sex) until after Jesus was born.

Now, the Holy Ghost is part of the Holy Trinity. The Holy Trinity consists of three divine beings. The FATHER, the SON, and the HOLY GHOST (Spirit). Each of them are GOD! So Jesus is the father of himself. (I am now humming the tune I”M MY OWN GRANDPA)

If the Holy Ghost is the father of Jesus then Jesus cannot  be a descendent of King David. (For the Bible tells me so).

The impostor was born in Bethlehem. King Herod sends his troops, and three wise men, to find the child. The wise men follow a star to Jesus’ birthplace. The wise men decide they will not tell Herod about their discovery and go home a different way. An angel warns Joseph of Herod’s plans to kill the child. Joseph, Mary, and the baby Jesus , flee to Egypt, of all places, and stay there until Herod is dead.
When Herod learns that he was betrayed by the wise men he has all the children in Bethlehem, two years old and younger, killed.
An angel of the LORD appears to Joseph and tells him that Herod is dead. It was time to return to Israel. Joseph decided to go to Nazareth instead of Bethlehem because Herod’s son, Archelaus, ruled there.

FAST FORWARD

John the Baptist, wearing a camel hair suit and a leather girdle, was preaching in the wilderness of Judea. He was the originator of the classic line: Repent ye, for the kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Jesus is all growed up now. He finds John the Baptist in Jordan. John baptized Jesus.

Why? What is he being baptized into? Judaism? Christianity?

The spirit of God, in the guise of a dove, descends from the sky. “And lo, a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

So let me get this straight, the Holy Ghost knocks up Mary and God claims paternity.

FAST FORWARD

Jesus fasts for 40 days & 40 nights in the wilderness. The Devil showed up (is it in fact Satan of some shadow from Jesus’ psyche?) and asks Jesus to turn some stones into bread.

After not eating for 40 days I would consider eating stones.

Jesus refused to perform the trick. he said that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that God says. The Devil magically transported them to the pinnacle of a temple. The Devil Told Jesus to jump, the angels will save him. Jesus said, “Thou shalt not tempt the LORD thy God.” Was Jesus referring to himself?
The Devil took Jesus to a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world. Jesus could have them all if only he would bow down and worship the Devil. Jesus said, “Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

FAST FORWARD

Jesus learned that John the Baptist was in prison. Maybe for preaching that the end was near.

                                                                   FAST FORWARD

Jesus was walking by the sea in Galilee and saw Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew casting a net into the sea. Jesus told them that he would make them fishers of men. Zebedee and his sons John and James joined the group.
Jesus taught in synagogues and healed the sick. People from all over Syria brought their sick or possessed friends to Jesus to be cured.

FAST FORWARD

Jesus and his disciples board a ship. While sailing a big storm hits while Jesus was sleeping. The disciples wake him up and Jesus got rid of the storm.

Jesus gave all 12 apostles the power to cast out unclean spirits and heal all the sick and diseased. The 12 Apostles are: Simon(Peter), Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, Lebbaeus, Simon and Judas. Jesus warned the that they will all be hated but if they endure they will be saved.

The rumors of King Herod’s death were greatly exaggerated.

At Herod’s last birthday party Herodius’ daughter, Salome, danced for the old king. He was so taken by her dancing that he promised to give her anything she wanted. Salome asked for the head of John the Baptist to be served to her on a platter.

BOOM

FAST FORWARD

Jesus fed over five thousand people with just five loaves of bread and two fish. It might be a good time for Jesus to return to Earth and feed the poor.

{16:28} Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here (right there, right then), which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom. Son of Man? I thought he was the Son of God.

This seems to be the first reference to the Endtimes.

In {17:22} Jesus said the Son of man will be betrayed, killed, and on the third day will rise again.

It’s as if Jesus was speaking about someone other than himself.

FAST FORWARD
Jesus rode into Nazareth on an ass. The people cried: “Hosanna to the Son of David”.

WRONG!

FAST FORWARD

Jesus goes ballistic in a temple. He throws stuff around. Then there is a mother lode of parables.

Here is a very important passage from the book of Matthew:

{24:29} Immediately after the tribulation of those days
shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her
light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of
the heavens shall be shaken: {24:30} And then shall appear
the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the
tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man
coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.
{24:31} And he shall send his angels with a great sound of
a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the
four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. {24:32}
Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet
tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is
nigh: {24:33} So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these
things, know that it is near, [even] at the doors. {24:34}
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all
these things be fulfilled. {24:35} Heaven and earth shall
pass away, but my words shall not pass away.

It looks to me like the Endtimes are going to happen during the lifetime of that generation alive during Jesus’ time on Earth

{26:2} Ye know that after two days is [the feast of] the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified. {26:3} Then assembled together the chief priests, and the scribes, and the elders of the people, unto the palace of the high priest, who was called Caiaphas, {26:4} And consulted that they might take Jesus by subtly, and kill [him. ]

FAST FORWARD

Judas Iscariot makes a deal with the chief priests. For 30 pieces of silver, Judas will tell the authorities where Jesus can be found.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Jesus told his disciples that he must do what is written of him. This is his duty. Still, he condemns the man who will betray him. Jesus said it would have been better if that man had never been born.

What a mixed message. Is it me or is there a big contradiction here? If Jesus is certain that it is his destiny to fulfill prophecy, why did he think it was wrong for Judas to betray him in order to fulfill that prophecy?

In the garden of Gethsemene Jesus admitted that his soul was “exceedingly sorrowful.” He fell to the ground and said, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.”

Jesus did not want to fulfill prophecy.

Judas stood before Jesus and said. “Hail, master.” Judas kissed jesus. The guards took Jesus away.

Caiaphas, the high priest, asked Jesus if he was the Christ, the Son of God. To which Jesus replied, “Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.”

Say what? Jesus did not admit to being the Son of God. he says he is the Son of man.

Judas returns the 30 pieces of silver to the chief priests and said, “I have sinned in that I have betrayed innocent blood.” Judas threw the 30 pieces of silver to the temple floor and hung himself.

Poor bastard. All he was doing was executing God’s will.

FAST FORWARD

After interviewing Jesus, Pontius Pilate, the governor of Judea, could not find any real reason to charge him with any crime. The crowds were insistent. He decided to wash his hands of the whole situation by offering the choice of either killing Jesus or Barabbas.

It was Passover. It was supposedly the custom for the governor to release a criminal during this holiday. The only reference to this custom was in the Bible. Some scholars think that the release of a criminal was a literary device created by the writer Mark as a means to show the difference between a real and a false son of God. What’s equally interesting is that Barabbas means Son of the Father. Barabbas was also known as Jesus Barabbas which means Jesus, son of the Father.

The crowds chose Barabbas.

Jesus was brought to a common hall where he was stripped and made to put on a scarlet robe. They put a crown of thorns on his head and put a reed in his right hand. Everyone in the hall “bowed the knee” and said, “Hail, King of the Jews.” They spat on him and hit him with the reed. he then got back into his own clothes.’
A guy named Simon carried the cross as they walked to Golgotha (a place of a skull). Jesus and two thieves were crucified at Golgotha.
Darkness descended across the land. Jesus cried out, “ Eli, Eli, lama sabachthami?”

“My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Dude, you did it to yourself.

After Jesus yielded up the ghost, an earthquake struck. Graves opened and saints walked about the town. Joseph of Arimethaea took Jesus’ body from the cross and placed him in a tomb. They rolled a big rock in front of the tomb.

Mary Magdalene came to the tomb at the end of the Sabbath. “An angel of the LORD descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.” The angel told Mary Magdalene that Jesus had left the tomb and went to Galilee.

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About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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