BIBLE PICKINS: The Gospel According to Saint Mark

John the Baptist, that dedicated follower of fashion, was dressed in camel’s hair and wore a girdle made of skin to cover his loins. He dined on locusts and honey. He told everyone he knew that someone mightier than himself was coming. But this guy was going to be different. You see, John baptized people with water. This new guy was going to baptize people with the Holy Ghost.

The same Holy Ghost that knocked up Mary.

When John met Jesus he baptized him in the Jordan river. The heavens opened up and the Spirit (God), like a dove (why not like himself? old, bearded, and white), descended upon him. A voice from heaven and said, “Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am pleased.”
This is getting creepy. Jesus is both God and Son. Just as he got baptized Jesus came down again as a dove then made the clouds in the sky speak, like some kind of supernatural ventriloquist.

The Spirit drove Jesus into the wilderness. I wonder if he were a camel hair shirt and a skin loincloth? For forty days and forty nights Jesus lived with the wild beasts and some angels took care of him. Satan tempted Jesus to no avail.

John the Baptist was thrown in jail. Being the savior that he is Jesus went to Galilee to preach the gospel. (The gospel was simply Good News about the Kingdom of God.) He met Simon, Andrew, James and John (no relation to the Baptist). They agreed to be his disciples. Jesus went into a synagogue and preached. Everyone who heard him was amazed to hear his doctrine.

Was Jesus a liberal or a conservative. If you asked Glenn Beck he’d say Jesus was no liberal. As a matter of fact, Mr. Beck wants Christians to leave any church that espouses “economic justice” or “social justice.” These are code words for Nazism and Communism. (

Jesus casted unclean spirits (demons) out of people. He healed people. He ate with sinners. The scribes and the Pharisees asked Jesus why he ate with the riffraff. Jesus said: “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came to call not the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

A great crowd from all over the region came to get healed. Jesus ordained his twelve disciples so that they could preach, heal the sick, and cast out demons, just like Jesus.

Jesus stood on the deck of a ship and preached to the multitudes on the shore. Later, he calmed a storm. He fed five thousand people with five loaves of bread and two fish. (They were small portions)

King Herod was convinced John the Baptist had risen from the dead. The daughter of Herodius danced for King Herod on his birthday. The king had a good buzz on and asked the dancer what she would like in payment for her wonderful dancing skills. She asked for the head of John the Baptist.

I’m a little confused here. Is John dead? Has he risen? Just whose head did the dancer get?

We now have to push our way through lots of parables, healings, and casting out of demons.

{9:1} And he said unto them. Verily, I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste death, till they have seen the Kingdom of God come with power.”

Okay, once again, Jesus said there some people alive (back then) who will see the Kingdom of God on Earth. I was under the impression that the EndTimes must occur before Jesus’ rule on Earth. So, the EndTimes were to happen then, not now.

Jesus took Peter, James, and John into the mountains. Just like Gandolph, Jesus’ clothes turned white. Jesus spoke with Elias and Moses. A cloud hovered above them and a voice came out of the cloud and said, “This is my beloved Son hear him.” Creepy man, creepy. Jesus told the disciples that they should tell no one what happened until after the Son of man rose from the dead. He also told them that “The Son of man is delivered into the hands of men, and they shall kill him, and after he is killed, he shall rise on the third day.”

Okay, so Jesus knows what’s going to happen down the road. He’s cool with it. It’s God’s (his) will.

In the Mount of Olives Jesus sends two disciples into town to steal a colt that’s never been ridden. Jesus rode the colt into town. The next day he sees a fig tree with leaves but no fruit. Jesus commands that no one will eat figs from that tree. Gee, maybe it was the wrong season for fruit.

A hypoglycemic Jesus enters a synagogue and tears the place apart. He kicked out all the money changers. Smart man.

The next morning the fig tree is dead…

{13:24} But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun
shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light,
{13:25} And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers
that are in heaven shall be shaken. {13:26} And then shall
they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great
power and glory. {13:27} And then shall he send his angels,
and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from
the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of
heaven. {13:28} Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When
her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know
that summer is near: {13:29} So ye in like manner, when ye
shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh,
[even] at the doors. {13:30} Verily I say unto you, that this
generation shall not pass, till all these things be done.
{13:31} Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words
shall not pass away.

YIKES! It’s true! The EndTimes were about to happen back then!

Passover. The chief priests and the scribes are trying to find a way to put Jesus to death. Judas Iscariot cut a deal with the leadership.

Supper. Jesus said he will be betrayed. The man who will do what is “written of him” will betray Jesus and wish he had never been born.

Where exactly, was this “written of him?”

On top of that Jesus told Peter that he will deny knowing Jesus three times before sunrise.

In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus said, “Abba, Father, all things [are] possible unto thee; take away this cup from me.”

From out of the darkness Judas appeared with many soldiers. Judas said, “Whoever I shall kiss, that same is he; take him, and lead [him] away safely.” Judas kissed Jesus. The soldiers took Jesus away. Peter followed them.

The chief priest could not find a witness against against Jesus. The priest asked, “Art thou the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?”

Jesus replied, “I am and ye shall see the Son of man sitting at the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.”

Blasphemy. Jesus must be put to death.

Peter denied knowing Jesus three times, even though he was warned in advance that he would do it.

Pontius Pilate spoke to the stubborn Jesus. Jesus wasn’t talking. Pilate released Barabbas and sentenced Jesus to be crucified. In the Praetorium they clothed Jesus in purple clothes (was either Matthew or Mark colorblind?} and placed a crown of thorns on his head. They mocked him, spit at him, and said, “Hail, King of the Jews.”

Jesus was crucified at Golgotha. Once again, Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Joseph of Arimathea took Jesus’ corpse and placed it in a tomb. The a big rock was rolled in front of the tomb entrance.

Sunrise. Sunday morning. Mary Magdalene and Mary of Clopas went to the tomb. The rock was rolled out of the way. A young man told them that Jesus had risen and went to Galilee.

Strangely, Mary Magdalene had forgotten that she saw Jesus that same morning before she arrived at the empty tomb. She was the first person Jesus saw after he rose from the dead. He casted out seven demons that possessed her.


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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