BIBLE PICKINS: The Gospel According to John

There was a man  sent by God to bear witness to the Light (Jesus/Himself). This man was John the Baptist.

The second paragraph is confusing. Here is one sentence from that paragraph: “But as many as received him to them gave he power to become the sons of God. [even] to them that believe on his name.” What sort of twisted mindset is required to be a biblical scholar? If this is  a fragment of a sentence should not they who know inform those who don’t? I invite you, Dear Reader, to explain that sentence (uh, the one in quotation marks).

Anyway, John was questioned by priests and Levites from Jerusalem. Who are you John? “I am not the Christ.” Are you Elias? Nope. Are you a prophet? Nope. John said he was baptized with water and was not worthy to loosen the latchets on the sandals of the man who is coming.

The next day John saw Jesus. He also saw a spirit, in the form of a dove, descend from Heaven and enter Jesus.

I wonder where the dove entered Jesus.

Jesus attended a wedding with his mother, Mary in Cana. Mom told her baby boy that there was no more wine. Jesus said, rather cryptically, “Woman, what have I to do with thee? Mine hour has not yet come.” I guess Mom give her son a ration of shit because the servants have filled six water pots with water. Jesus dutifully changed the water into wine.

So Mary knew then that her son was special. That he had powers. Did she know he was the son of God?

When Jesus saw a temple filled with livestock and money changers he flipped out and kicked everybody out of the temple.

Jesus said the only way to be saved was to be born again (be baptized with water and believe in Jesus) Jesus didn’t baptize people, his disciples did.

Jesus referred to Judas Iscariot as the devil.

Fast Forward: The scribes and Pharisees brought an adulterous woman (what, no man? was she adulterous on her own?)  to Jesus at the Mount of Olives. According to Moses’ Law she should be stoned to death. Jesus said: “He that is without sin among you let him first cast a stone at her.”   So, Jesus was repudiating one of the old man’s laws.

Jesus said that any opinion he shares, any judgement he makes, are not his but come directly from God. This is exactly what Christians do today. They’ll say that all unbelievers will burn in Hell; Gays & Lesbians should not marry; and abortion is wrong. Not because it is the Christian’s opinion/belief, but because it is what God has told them in the Bible. The Christian is nothing more than a parrot for the LORD.

There is one difference: Jesus’ opinions come directly from himself.

Fast Forward: Lazarus had been dead for four days. Jesus called on the dead man’s sister, Mary. Together they went to Lazarus’ crypt and rolled the stone away. Jesus called out: “Lazarus, come forth.” Lazarus shambled out of his crypt and the zombie was born. Lazarus sat at the dinner table. Martha served the meal. Mary anointed Jesus’ feet and dried them with her hair.

Which resulted in the first case of athlete’s hair.

Not to be outdone Jesus washed the feet of all twelve apostles. He said one of the twelve would betray him. Simon Peter asked who was to betray him. Jesus dipped a sponge into some water. He said that he will hand the sponge to the betrayer. Jesus handed the sponge to Judas.

Judas left the building.

Fast Forward: In a castle the high priest asked Jesus what his doctrine consisted of. Jesus said he speaks to the world. He got cranky and asked the high priest why he asked that question. A soldier bitch slapped Jesus. “Answerest thou the high priest,” the soldier said. Jesus rubbed his cheek and said: “If I have spoken evil, bear witness to the evil: but if well, why smitest me?”  BOO HOO

Next stop: The Hall of Judgement. Pontius Pilate asked a crowd of Jews what Jesus had done wrong. The crowd’s response was: “If he were not a malefactor, we would not have delivered him up to thee.”

Hmm, he’s guilty because they say so.

Pontius Pilate suggests that the Jews should judge him according to their own laws. The Jews responded: “It is not lawful for us to put any man to death.”

What? They can’t put a man to death but they can have a Gentile kill a man for them? Isn’t having someone else kill a man for you still putting a man to death? I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. They’ve changed their antiputamantodeath law since then. Witness: Gaza.

Pontius Pilate: “Art thou the king of the Jews?”
Jesus: “Sayest thou this thing of thyself, or do others tell it thee of me?”
Pontius Pilate: “Am I a Jew? Thine own nation and the chief priests have delivered thee unto me: what hast thou done?”
Jesus: “My kingdom is not of this world: if my Kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my Kingdom not from hence.”
izzi: “Huh?”
Pontius Pilate: “Art thou a king then?”
Jesus: “Thou sayest that I am a King. To this end I was born and for this cause came into this world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
Pontius Pilate: What is truth?”

Jesus gave no reply. Pity. 

Barabbas was freed from prison.

Jesus was crucified.

Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus wrapped the corpse in a linen laced with spices. The placed the corpse in a sepulchre.

Mary Magdalene, Simon Peter and the other disciples enter the empty tomb. When everyone went home Mary Magdalene wept outside the tomb. When she looked into the tomb again she saw two angels. They asked her why she was crying. Mary said the body was stolen. She turned to see a man staring at her. “Woman, why weepest thou?” She thought he was the gardener. “Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him and I will take him away.” She realized who she was talking to: “Rabboni.” (Master). Jesus said: “Touch me not, for I am not yet ascended to my Father, but go to my brethren and say unto them, I ascend to my Father, and [to] my God, and your God.”

Mary Magdalene spread the good news.


About izziferreel

Freethinker. Drummer, Singer, Songwriter: The Third Eye, Blackbird13, The Avantguardians. Actor: Raving Maniacs, Feeding the Masses. Also produced, wrote and acted in my short film Lonelyman51. Writer: lyrics, radio drama, horror tales and social criticism.
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